Parenting Considerations

Supportive Parenting

Our children’s gender identity is out of our hands, but their well-being is not. Being supportive rather than assigning blame has a profound impact on how our children feel about themselves. Research from the Family Acceptance Project shows that parental acceptance is critical to our children’s positive future outlook on life. Our level of acceptance directly impacts their self-esteem. These studies conclude that the most crucial thing we as parents can do is to allow our children to be exactly who they are. Additionally, if our other children see evidence of our acceptance, they will more easily adjust to their gender nonconforming sibling.

Examples of Supportive Parenting Practices

Damaging Parenting

Research from the Family Acceptance Project shows that behaviors which children experience as rejecting significantly increase their risk for negative health and metal health problems. These rejecting behaviors undermine a child’s self-esteem and feelings of self-worth. It should not be surprising that many of the children who end up in the foster care system, run away, or become homeless are gender nonconforming and transgender.

Examples of Damaging Parenting Practices

See Supportive vs. Damaging Parenting Practices for more detail.

Supporting Your Gender Diverse Child

Living In the Undefined

A child with a gender-fluid expression can be very challenging and frustrating for parents. Even parents who wish to be supportive can find themselves thinking, “just decide already, one way or another!” A lack of consistency in their child’s gender expression can leave parents wondering just who their child ‘really’ is. Some parents feel desperate to find a solid answer—male or female. This “back and forth” expression can leave them feeling there is no foundation from which to move forward. It also becomes more difficult to respond to others simple questions about your child, leaving the parents feeling angry about being put into such an uncomfortable position.

Finding language that works for your child and yourself can be a big step in creating a supportive space for your gender nonconforming child. With older children, this can mean discussing together how they would like for you to refer to them, both directly as well as when you are speaking with others. Some families take the approach of working around pronouns—try it for a day and you will see just how gendered our language really is! Developing stock responses can also be helpful: “My child has taught me that gender is so much more complex than I ever knew. I wish I could be half as self-reflective my kid is!”

In addition to the words, finding your voice is an important component of existing in this in-between space. The more you learn to speak with confidence and pride about your child, the easier it will be for others to accept your child and your parenting. People look to you for their lead on how to respond or react to your child. You have nothing to apologize or be ashamed about! 

Another element of your voice is to resist taking care of the needs others. A desire to help other people feel comfortable is natural. Yet if you find yourself doing so at the expense of denying or dismissing your child’s authentic self, it can be quite hurtful. When with other parents who ask about your dress wearing boy, rather than saying things like, “oh yes, that is my son. He is pretending to be a princess today,” consider simply saying, “yes, that’s my son.” You do not need to make the other person feel ok; you are responsible for your own child’s sense of well-being.

Disclosure Issues

When you are raising a gender diverse child or teenager, the issue of disclosure is a major one. Parents need to decide whom to talk to about their children, when to share or not share, the differences between secrecy and privacy, who decides who gets to know and who doesn’t, and how to respond to negative reactions. Your child (and their siblings) also needs to be prepared for many of these decisions. Know that there are no right or wrong answers here. Each situation and each family is different. Many times you will need to respond on the fly, only to think about a better answer later. That is all too often how one learns. But as you navigate this road, you will become increasingly confident in the answers that work best for you and your family.

Transitioning

When a person changes outwardly from one gender to another and lives in accordance with their gender identity, it is called going through transition, or transitioning. There is no rule of thumb for when a cross gender child should be allowed to transition. There usually comes a time when your child’s discomfort or suffering is so obvious that despite your concerns, it is critical for them to live in the world as they choose. But how do you know when that is? How long after they tell you about their desire should you wait to allow them this form of expression?

In making this decision, two concerns typically rise to the surface: “Will my child be safe if I let them do this?” and “Wouldn’t it be better just to make them wait?” The most useful way to answer these questions is to first evaluate whether your child currently feels safe and satisfied, or if instead they are suffering. If your child is suffering it is important to weigh the potential dangers that await them living according to their wishes, consistent with their gender identity compared to the dangers associated with their current depression. What is clear is that children who receive the support of their families have the best outcomes in terms of their future health and well-being.

Transition can occur in two ways: social transition through non-permanent changes in clothing, hairstyle, name and/or pronouns, and medical transition through the use of medicines such as hormone “blockers” or cross hormones to promote gender-based body changes and/or through the addition or removal of gender-related physical traits surgically.

 
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